College Life

Dear Diary,

I should probably stop using this notebook for writing down my feelings. It’s a little too high-school-girl style. I feel like it’s childish. I’m sure Dr. Collins would disagree with me, but she’s three thousand miles away. And I haven’t seen her since last year.

But I can’t help myself. I’m writing in here because it’s my coping mechanism for everything that’s going on in my life. And right now, a week into my college career, it’s a lot.

I still haven’t gotten a response about any other internships that I’ve been interviewed for, I’m working my ass off at the café, I’m trying to fit studying into my crazy schedule and I have to prove myself constantly, because Cassie keeps trying to paint me as stupid in front of others.

I swear I’m going to pull another Prom if she doesn’t stop. I’m so frustrated, I thought we were over this, really. But I have a feeling she’s only starting. Maybe I’m the reason she didn’t get into an ivy league, like she was trying to.

No. It’s not my fault. She brought it upon herself, when she decided to pay someone to break up my relationship. She had it coming. Now she can sleep in the bed she made.

By next week, I don’t even know where my head is anymore. I’m juggling between more responsibilities that I can count. I’m attending college, working at the café, trying to keep our studio clean, making us dinner every night (if I manage to come home before eight), trying to fit studying somewhere in between … And Hunter, of course.

We basically see each other in the morning, when we walk to the train station together, and in the evening, when we eat and go to sleep. I didn’t imagine this is how our college experience would look like.

It makes me feel even worse when he tries to be so understanding all the time. We got into an argument because of it already. I told him that he doesn’t have to hide his true feelings from me, but he’s claiming that he’s not. That he’s completely fine with us, barely spending any time together.

Anyway, it’s not important. We worked it out in the end. Well, I quit trying to get something out of him that I wanted to hear. Or that I was worried to hear. I just hope I get one of those internships already, so I can quit working in the café. It’s exhausting.

I get to college one day, still completely drained because of the shift I was working the previous afternoon. I didn’t get much sleep, because I had to finish a small presentation for extra credits in my investigating journalism class. It’s just an idea that we had to come up with. How to form a better connection and gain more trust as a journalist in general.

I hope it’s going to be okay, I was half asleep by the time I finished. I have to read it through before it’s my turn. Just in case I wrote something stupid. God, why does it have to be raining today?

I’m lost in my thoughts as I’m heading to the lecture hall, shaking the water off my umbrella and putting it away with others, so it dries off. Well, there are so many umbrellas gathered in the bin that they’ll still be soaking wet by the time we finish the class.

As I sit down, I realize I still haven’t made any friends here. Okay, I hang out with Indira during lunch break. She’s cool. But I still haven’t actually met anyone from my class. Or talked to them, at least.

Indira is majoring in art history and archeology, so I only see her when we’re changing lecture halls. It would be nice to have her in my classes. She’s cool and down to earth. And it’d be extremely helpful to have someone else see through Cassie as well.

It feels like everyone is charmed with her. Like, what do they even see on her? Do they like her because she’s blonde? Or because she’s literally showing her teeth so much that it looks like she sewed the corners of her mouth up? The fact that she wants to be the smartest and keeps talking? Even when she actually sounds stupid?

Yeah, I’m not okay with her going to the same college as me. And I’m definitely not okay with the fact that I have to stare at her self-worshipping face every single day, during every class that I have! And of course, I’m upset! She’s tried to ruin my life! Numerous times!

I basically find myself flinching every time I hear her speak up. Today is no different. She’s just presenting her own case about the extra credit task we were given. The one I was talking about earlier. She makes a few points, but none of them really feel any good. Or maybe I’m biased because I hate the two-faced b***h.

I’m listening with my arms crossed against my chest, trying not to scoff at every point she presents. Calm down, Perrie. She’s not worth it. Not worth it at all. But as soon as she stops talking, and the professor asks if anyone would care to add something, my hand shoots up all by itself.

“Of course, go ahead, please, Miss …” she encourages me, sending me a questioning gaze as she doesn’t remember my name. I smile at the professor, already regretting that I did that. But I guess I have no other choice but to express my criticism. Go big, or go home, girl.

“Hughes. Thank you, Mrs. Burke,” I say, before putting my hands together. “Let’s see … The entire concept isn’t bad. But I totally disagree with some points. I don’t think a more direct approach can be successful. You have to put yourself in your source’s shoes. What would you feel like, if someone came to you and demanded information on something? Especially something that you aren’t ready to discuss, maybe not even allowed to discuss?” I speak up.

I have no idea where the words are coming from, but as soon as I look at Cassie, I realize I’ve made a big mistake. She’s still smiling, but her smile is much more restrained than it was earlier. And she’s watching me with her eyes slightly narrowed at me. It’s barely noticeable, but it’s there. I know her well enough, to realize I’ve just made the wrong move.