Divided Souls

Dear Diary,

This pretend game is starting to take a toll on me. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. What’s the worst is everyone seems to know that we’re not being sincere in our interactions with one another.

Maybe we should just stop pretending, because we’re not doing anyone anything good with it. But how am I supposed to say that we’re in a really bad place right now, without being ashamed of myself?

I hope things will sort themselves out soon, if not … Well, I don’t want to think about that right now.

“Perrie!” my mom calls me, making me flinch by her loud tone. Judging by the look on her face, this isn’t the first time she’s called my name. Amazing, am I in trouble now?

“Uh, what?” I ask, trying to pull myself together. She lets out a long sigh as she stares at me with a disapproving gaze. She folds the towel before putting it on the counter, then crosses her arms against her chest.

“I told you we’re leaving today. What are you still doing in the kitchen? You’re supposed to be packing, like Hunter,” she implies. The way she puts this, makes me realize that maybe she’s picking up on something for real. Because this sounds like she’s trying to push me to spend time with him.

Yeah, like that would help when he’s being stubborn. “But I’m packed, I came home with a suitcase, remember?” I have to remind her, earning myself a raised eyebrow in response. There we go. I’m about to piss her off.

“I know you did, but you don’t have to take all that stuff with you. Pack lightly, don’t overcomplicate,” she instructs me, then basically leads me out of the kitchen and pushes me upstairs. I resist rolling my eyes at her.

“Yeah, okay, fine, I’m leaving,” I grunt in response, before heading towards my room. I feel like someone clenched their fist around my throat, when I enter it. Hunter looks up the moment he hears me, then looks away a second later.

I stand there in complete silence, not knowing what to say. Or why I even came here. I wish Leslie and Aiden were here already. That way I wouldn’t have to stick around him all the time. They’re coming straight to Oak Grove on Tuesday, because they still have some obligations at their colleges on Monday. The Californian universities clearly do things differently.

“Do you need something?” he suddenly asks, pulling me out of my thoughts. I push the door towards the frame, leaving it slightly ajar, so I block the sound a little, but still not break my mom’s rules. It’s ridiculous that she still has those, we’re all full-aged after all. But no, as long as we’re gathered under her roof, her rules will still apply. Her words, not mine.

“Mom sent me here to pack,” I say before I’m able to stop myself. We haven’t talked much outside of our moments of pretending for my parents. So, talking to him right now almost feels a little … strange.

He nods without looking over his shoulder, making me realize that this conversation is finished. Right. Okay. I’ll just get to work then and try to imagine that this is a comfortable silence. Not an awkward one.

I pull a travel bag out of my closet, starting to throw the first clothes that I see into it. We don’t say another word to each other and it’s really starting to bother me. I don’t like where this is going. I truly hope spending time in Oak Grove will help us, but I’m not so sure anymore.

We leave that afternoon, just like my mom promised. As soon as dad comes home from work and has a late lunch with us. Less than half an hour later, we’re already driving to grandma’s, leaving me staring through the window again.

My parents are unusually quiet as well, for the whole ride. My mom has probably already picked up on the fact that something’s not right, while my dad is surely catching on as well. Or maybe mom mentioned something to him.

Anyway, it leaves me in an ungrateful position. I’m trying to keep up the image in order not to hurt grandma at least, while at the same time, I’m tempted to tell them yeah, we’re not doing okay, our relationship has gone south. God, I’d had to admit that out loud.

It gets even worse once we drive up to the house. I rush out of the car as soon as I see grandma, holding her close because I haven’t seen her since the end of summer and I really missed her. When Hunter goes to hug her, I respectfully step away and quickly head back to the car to retrieve my bag.

I can see my grandma being confused and my parents starting to glance at us in a strange way, like they’re waiting for us to explode. Well, I can’t speak for Hunter, but I’m sure as hell not giving them that kind of satisfaction. If it can even be called that.

I head upstairs with the excuse that I really have to use the bathroom, then go straight to the room we usually sleep in. As I put the bag down, emotions rush to the surface. This house holds so many memories.

Grandpa’s laughter is still echoing down these walls. I can hear it, if I only imagine it hard enough. He’s been so kind to us kids. Treated Hunter like he was part of our family. God, he’d be so happy that we got together, now look at us! In ruins!

I rush to the bathroom, almost bumping into my boyfriend in the process. “Whoa, what’s the-”

I don’t hear him finish the sentence, because I dodge him as quickly as I can and muffle the rest of his words by closing the door of the bathroom. Then, I lock it for good measure, even if I know he won’t be coming after me. He’s clearly done doing that.

I break down right there on the toilet seat, unable to calm myself down. It’s all been too much. I can’t handle this will we, won’t we energy anymore. Because it’s not the positive kind of anticipation that has been going on before our relationship started. It’s stressful and heartbreaking, because I don’t know if we can get back to where we were.

Once I finally manage to calm myself down a little, I decide to get up. I flush my face a little, trying to calm my breathing before heading downstairs. It’s okay. Maybe I’ll just go lie down a little, then say I wasn’t feeling well or something. I can pretend to be asleep on the bed, in case anyone comes to check on me.

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I look at myself in the mirror, my reflection staring back at me with so much disappointment that I can’t bear to look at it anymore. I turn my head away and walk outside, heading straight into the room.

But as I step inside, I freeze. I didn’t expect to see this, but Hunter is still there. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed and is now staring straight into my eyes, not moving his gaze away like he usually does. “Can we talk?” he then asks, making my body start to tremble.

I nod without saying a word, then close the door behind me. I don’t want anyone to hear this. I lean on the wood, because I have to feel something solid behind me. To ground me. I really don’t know what he’s going to say now, but I don’t have a really good feeling about this.

“Are you going to sit down, or will you just stand there?” he wonders in a casual way, like he’s asking me if I want a cheeseburger for dinner. I stare right back at him, not even blinking. Is this really what we’ve come to?

“I’m fine here,” I reply in response, hearing the slight sharpness in my tone. Not so defensively, Perrie. But I can’t help myself. I’m mad at him for giving me the silent treatment for days, while making a deal with me to pretend that we’re fine in front of my parents. That’s totally not the way I imagined a ruse would go! Because it’s coming out of a completely wrong place!

He shrugs. “Suit yourself,” he says, before clearing his throat. “I’m bothered by the way you treat me. You put everything first except us. It’s always college or work. Never me. And I’m getting really tired of that,” he lets me know.

His words make me furrow my eyebrows together. “Look, I had to stay longer for your birthday and I’m really sorry for that, okay? I shouldn’t have promised to spend time with you, when I didn’t know how long that interview would take. But I’m doing everything for a better future, and for you. For us!” I protest.

He stares at me calmly, then shrugs. “Okay. How are you doing things for us?” he asks me, leaving me stunned. Does he really needs to make this a question? Where is money going to come from? Fall from the sky? Grow on a room plant?

“Look, I don’t know how to put this in a simpler way, but we need money to live together. Expenses are high and I don’t want my parents to go bankrupt over financing us. Aiden and Leslie have their own apartment too, you know that,” I explain slowly.

He keeps staring at me in the same, calm way, which is starting to drive me nuts. “But you don’t have to work as much as you do. You got a raise, you were able to quit the café job, now you’re working double time at Fox. Why? You know I can cover a little more of our expenses, I get paid really well at the lab,” he remarks.

I stare at him, slowly starting to grasp what this is about. Or at least I think I do. “Oh … So, that’s it. You can’t stand that I’m trying to be financially independent,” I say before I’m able to stop myself.

He freezes at my words, visibly hurt by what I just said. But I can’t take it back now. I still open my mouth to try, but he already cuts in, his voice trembling as he says: “Then you can go and be independent without me by your side.”